Walls

I've never been one to build walls. I may not be the most open person ever--I don't go sharing my heart with everyone I meet--but in the right setting I have had some deep, heart-sharing conversations with people. I've never really had trouble accessing my emotions, if anything I've been too free with them at times. But now I find myself in a different place.

I'm seeing God's hand more and more in my life: his blessings, his works of Providence. Accordingly, I'm becoming more open about those works and about what He's doing in my life.

However, in some respects I can feel myself starting to build walls. I'm beginning to not look honestly at some issues, but just avoiding the deep hurt. I'm not sure if this is a way I cope, acting in this way to avoid opening wounds that seem to be healing. On the other hand, maybe I'm preventing myself from healing by not fully addressing it. Today I was writing an email to a dear friend and confidante about how I was doing, and in everything but this one topic I was open and true. In the other one, I wrote honestly what I was feeling on the surface, but didn't dive in deeper. I felt myself becoming more guarded, but I wasn't willing to put the work into revealing myself wholly. I don't know why; whether it was because I didn't have the energy, or because I'm so afraid of what I find if I really dig deep, or something completely different.

I don't know if this is an area that I should be digging into, or if I'm better off leaving it alone. I just don't want to keep letting it hurt and hurt. It's like a big whole in the ground, rather than continuing to fall into it, I'm starting to build walls around it to protect myself. I just don't know if that's the right thing to do.