That was close! (Challenge, day 6)

I almost went to bed without writing. Yikes. The problem is that I'm super tired and really just don't feel like thinking of one thing to write about. I'm too tired to look deep into my heart tonight. And I already did that in talking with my friends tonight. So rather than writing, I'll just provide a list of things I could have written about, had I had the energy.

The big one that sticks with me is my current fear of a serious relationship/marriage. I have good 2 friends getting married within the next 5 months, and I'm single, so the topic is on my mind, unsurprising though that may be. However, I'm also currently being inundated with worldly messages about marriage and how it doesn't work, it steals your identity, and it makes you unhappy. 4 months ago I was in a relationship to a guy that I couldn't wait to marry. Today I'm scared of getting close to anyone. That works out well, considering I'm very much single and have few-to-no prospects. There's no one that I'm seriously interested in--though I make jokes along these lines at times--so I can quite comfortably say I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. Yay for me.

I'm dreading my friends' wedding next weekend. Not because I'm jealous that she's getting married and I'm not (see above paragraph), but because of everything it means outside of that. Her wedding is the last "hurrah" of the summer; after that everyone leaves. Also, its one of the biggest (and hopefully last) moments that I was anticipating to look differently. Months ago I imagined I'd have a date and we would dance romantically and dream of our own wedding. Next week I'm going to be completely alone, while all my friends are in couples. Besides the bride's brother (who just graduated from high school), I'm going to be the only one in the wedding party without a ring on my left hand. Finally, a wedding, and specifically wedding pictures, bring up all my insecurities about my appearance. I'm 22 years old and I still get insane amounts of acne, I'm about 15 pounds heavier than what I would like to be, and I get uncontrollable amounts of razor burn. Put those all together, and its quite embarrassing.

Finally, I could be all deep and holy and talking about the profound thought I had while washing my hands the other day. I saw the dirt come off my hands into the sink with a satisfied feeling, and thought about how much more satisfying it is that Christ has washed my sins away with his blood! And yet somehow I continue to dirty myself up, physically and spiritually, so that I have to be cleansed over and over. Deep. Maybe.

Somehow I feel like my mood is very bitter and slightly sarcastic. I don't know why, and I don't like being this way. I had a lovely evening with my two best friends, so I should be feeling happy and content. Somehow its just not happening for me tonight though.

God, forgive me, and clean my heart once again.