The step first was Stage 3. Before I get there, however, I ought to confess something. Unfortunately in the past year, I have watched the TV show Friends far too many times, and it has become ingrained in my brain. I find things that relate to my life. Maybe that's why it was such a popular, long-running TV show: the audience could relate. I should make note that in no way does Friends contribute to my moral compass, but rather there are situations that are reminiscent of things in my own life. During one season, Chandler finds himself cheated on and dumped by a girlfriend. Poor Chandler moped around in sweatpants in the apartment and the girls are left to try to coax Chandler out of his deep depression. Their goal is to get him to Stage 3, which is where Chandler is able to picture himself with other women. In the world of Friends, this involves going to a strip club. When I got dumped, I was in a pretty dark place as well. I was forced to carry on, which was for the best, but I never even wanted to think about finding "the one", because there was still part of me that hoped my ex would grow up, realize his mistake, and want me back, and we would live happily ever after like I used to imagine. There were a couple guys here and there throughout the summer that I would joke with one of my girlfriends, "I can't wait till he falls in love with me," but I never actually wished for those things. It was more like I wanted to wish for those things, but I was still stuck. Well, somewhere in the past few days I reached Stage 3. It didn't involve a strip club or anything indecent. It was all very innocent, and found its beginning in a game of "What would life look like if...?" I'm taking it VERY slowly, because this new crush scares me a lot. I have a lot of trust issues; namely, that I don't trust guys. I don't want my heart broken yet again. I don't want to waste time with the wrong guy instead of waiting for the right one. But I'm intrigued about seeing where this will go. I agreed, after significant hesitation, to "hang out," but the date and time have yet to be determined, and it won't happen for at least a week. That's good. I need to, even more, I WANT to move slowly and see how things go. I'm not wanting to get into a relationship, but neither am I looking for anything casual (as in, no pressure, no expectations, just dating to have a good time). So there we are, Stage 3.
My second milestone came as I was driving home tonight. I was crying after saying goodbye to two dear friends, and I thought about the last time I had driven home in tears after saying goodbye to someone I loved. The pain of that night came flooding back to me. I remembered reading the text that let me know that my boyfriend was, in fact, NOT sad to see me go. I remembered the feelings that somehow it had to be wrong, that I was going to be sick, and that my life was effectively ruined. And as I sat thinking about these things, I became more angry and less angry all at once. My Side Note was becoming less of a dream, and more of a reality. The hurt and the anger are still real, but they're fading. I know what happened is for the best, and I know that I am on my way to being happy. In fact, I would almost argue that I'm already happy. But the last two words of that post--"move on"--that's what's really happening. I am moving on, and I couldn't be happier about that. No more do I wish that he would call and tell me he made a huge mistake and ask for me back. Well, maybe in a way I do, but this time, it's so that I would have the power, and that I could tell him that he lost his shot with the best thing that ever happened to him. Because I deserve better. And I will get it.
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