I'm in Control! (Or Not...)

I'm learning some funny lessons about control. In the emotional roller coaster that has been the past several months, I've been somewhat of a pendulum swinging back and forth between grasping desperately for control of my life and releasing it in overwhelmed exasperation. What I found was that both of these extremes did nothing but allow me to watch helplessly as my life spiraled out of control. Trying to control every little detail ended up pushing away what I was trying to save. "Giving up" didn't make things any better, and it didn't make me happy; instead I felt lost and pathetic.

The phrase "let go and let God" feels slightly trite and old-fashioned, and certainly easier said than done. But this is the lesson I've been learning, and its not an easy one. For a long time I was operating within this weird mixture of extreme control and doing nothing. In my day-to-day life, I needed to know exactly what was happening when. I needed a plan in order to get things done. But on a broader scale, I had this perspective that when I reached a certain arbitrary point, then I would have succeeded, and until that point there wasn't much I could do about certain things. Case in point: organizing.

I can be TERRIBLY messy. Just ask my college roommates. Or don't, because that might stir up some resentment that I hope one day will be forgotten. But in that case, I had this idea in my head of "When I have my own place I'll be completely organized, because I'll have all my own space and will have room for my organizational methods. But until then, there's nothing I can do about being messy." Of course, there are other ways this erroneous idea manifested itself (i.e. "When I get married...."), but I'm going to stick with just this one example. So I moved home after college and felt like my left fell apart and got put on hold at the same time. My future that I had vaguely planned out for myself disappeared in a moment, and I realized that no time soon would I be living on my own like an adult. So, old me, the me that hadn't learned my lesson, used the time to mope a little and just be lazy, allowing my life to be on hold. Then, after listening to an RUF @ Ole Miss podcast on relationships, I realized that the life I wanted, married to a certain someone, had been my goal. It had been the end that I was working toward. I was convicted that this was not in fact an end but a means, and in the same way, my life here and now is the means to an end too. I am living my life right now, I'm not waiting for my life to start.

So I started my organizational project. I've subscribed to Real Simple magazine for a year and a half now, and I love it. But everything is things I can't use in my current situation, but that I know will be useful at some point. So I saved all my issues that I received, knowing that one day I'll remember something I read in an issue a long time ago and will want to find it. Well, I realized just recently that the number of issues I have has outgrown my magazine holder in my bedroom. Also, by the time I'll be able to use that recipe that I won't do while I'm living at home because my family won't like it, I won't be able to find it in the magazine. So I'm making myself a giant notebook. I'm going through all my old issues of Real Simple and finding things that I find interesting, intriguing, or beneficial, and tearing them out. From there, I'm dividing everything into one of five sections: Food and Drink, Beauty and Fashion, Health, Home, and Et Cetera. This way someday when I want that recipe for that one meal, or need tips on how to tastefully decorate my living room with that one color, I can flip to that section in the notebook and find what I want. I may also include a table of contents or index to make searching easier, we'll see.

So ask I was working on this project today, it made me realize that I've found a good balance of control in my life. I know that God is in control of everything, and because of that I don't have to sweat the big stuff, like what the next year of my life looks like. But I also know that I'm in the middle of my life, and I do have the power to take control of my life, even if I'm not in that place where I want to be. I say this with a slight bit of qualification, because I'm not trying to take the reins back from God, but I know that I have responsibility in my own life as well. It's a fine line that God has been trying to teach me to walk for sometime, and I'm finally learning the lesson.