Identity

Okay so the purpose of my 30 Day Blogging Challenge didn't quite work itself out. I had hoped that by making myself write every day, I would develop a habit, and suddenly have this way to let out my thoughts! What I found was that after my Challenge was completed, I would find things to write about, but then by the time I was able to write, the thoughts would be only faded memories, or I would just simply be too tired. Well, today there was just too much in my head.

The idea of identity has been really pushing to the forefront of my attention lately. Not even a week ago in church, a guest pastor preached on the idea that we seek to create our identities through different things--what others say, the good things we do, and the things we have--when the only identity that matters is the one we have in God. While a message like this might sound elementary or trite, it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Last Saturday I was beginning to hurt again. (Correction: I was beginning this battle even the week before, as evidenced in my 9/12 post "Loneliness," The difference is that 9/12 echoed my occasional moments of weakness. Last Saturday I was in danger of falling back into my minor depression and un-learning all of the lessons God taught me throughout the summer) I was missing the Providence alumni picnic, which I had been planning on attending, and I was also sitting home after harboring a hope to go out on a date. I had also hoped at one point to be spending the weekend in Salt Lake City with friends. But I was doing none of the above, rather just sitting at home with nothing to do. I began to feel sorry for myself, and opened the door to let in Satan's lies about being unworthy and unlovable. But God spoke to me through the message the following morning, and I was reminded that the only thing that mattered in my life, the only thing that ought to define me, the only thing that I would be lost without, is that I am a child of God.

On my drives to work I've been listening to a podcast from a RUF (Reformed University Fellowship--a Christian campus ministry) at Ole Miss series on dating and relationships, and the past couple have been about the "modern dating ritual," as the speaker puts it. This particular series has talked about the insecurities that arise in dating, and how so many relationship issues arise from a crisis of identity. Well, this hit home to me. I now recognize that my most recent relationship went downhill because, among other reasons, my identity wasn't firmly rooted in Christ. I was kind of rooted in shallow soil, and the relationship brought up insecurities that uprooted me and really made me lose sight of myself and really, of God too. And when that happened, I couldn't function within the relationship in a healthy manner. I also recognize that I won't have a successful relationship until I'm firmly rooted, identity and all, in Christ. After all, as the episode I listened to today reminded me, Christ bore my identity on the cross as well as my sins.

Finally, today in the course of my nannying work, I took "my" child to a parent-tot class led by her mother. The mother is a teacher at a Waldorf school, which as a private school has its own unique philosophy of education. As I was standing around, watching J play and listening to the moms chat, I overheard the other teacher talking about her own experience growing up as a student at a Waldorf school. She talked about how the school had really instilled within her the ability to have a firmly established identity, so that she wasn't easily swayed or pressured by things that other teens mistakenly form their identities around. She talked about her parents never worried about her succumbing to outside pressures because she had such a confidence in who she was, that those pressures never affected her. I was somewhat impressed by this, but also slightly ashamed. I attended a Christian school, and I didn't have that same confidence in myself that she boasted (it wasn't really an outright boast, but it was a gentle boast in a way). I was pushed around by outside pressures and struggled to form an identity of my own all through high school. Shouldn't graduates of a Christian school be able to make this claim: "Growing up in a Christian school I learned how to build my identity around Christ. Sure I faced foundations, but I was confident enough in the person God created me to be that I was able to face those temptations and come out on the winning end with God on my side." Granted, we all have week moments. I don't believe that teacher never faced outside, damaging pressures. I'm also not arguing that a Christian school has the sole responsibility of instilling that identity. But I'm not sure my school really emphasized that as much as they think (or say) they do. And I know several alumni from another Christian school that I would make the same argument, based on the fruit of their labors (i.e. their graduates).

I can't state how long that I've known that I should find my identity in God, but I'm not sure how well I've really "accomplished" that, so to speak. It wasn't until I was brought to my knees four months ago that I realized how urgently I need God, and how my life will only be marked my disappointment and heartache unless my identity is fully and deeply rooted in Him. It's a lesson I'm sure I'll have to keep learning and relearning, but I'm thankful that He's teaching it to me. And, it made new and meaningful to me the verses in James: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4 NIV).