Small Group Anxiety

I just prepped to lead my first D-Group (girls' small group through the high school youth group). I'm in my first year of being a youth group leader, and so I was all set to co-lead this group with another girl. We've had one meeting so far of our small group, but it was very low-key and we didn't do a lesson. Then last Sunday at youth group my co-leader told me that she wouldn't be able to make it to our next small group, and I will be leading on my own. So the leader of the other girls' group and I were talking with the youth group girls about what topic they wanted to cover. They were at first hesitant to say, but the bravery of one girl led to a unanimous decision: boys!

Crap. Considering my past mistakes and failures, how do I give these girls good, Godly words on dealing with the opposite sex? Even more, how do I try to be a figure of love and respect that they can trust, like that which I had in the past. This question led me to look back over all the small groups I had in the past. Some were life-changing, and others I wish I could forget.

Unfortunately, I think my worst small group experiences came through the chapel CARE groups at my college. I went through four years of groups that included people I couldn't trust, or were led by people I didn't respect all that much. The latter was true of my last two years and I became discouraged and often skipped the groups altogether. Though those particular leaders will likely never read this, I want to go on record saying that I was wrong, and I'm sorry for giving up on them before I gave them a chance. In my defense, insufficient though it may be, I felt genuinely wounded by my CARE group last year. It wasn't until partway into the second semester, so again its insufficient for an excuse to not attend earlier in the year, but this one episode really hardened my heart and sealed the deal for me. I would not attend another CARE group all year.

CARE groups met every other week on Wednesdays. Monday, February 8, was the one-year anniversary of Jen Uwarow's death. Late that evening, I got a call from my mom that a family friend had died at 24 years old (see 30 Day Challenge, Day 2). The news hit me hard, and I had an agonizing week trying to function. I decided that I would go to CARE groups that week because I needed prayer. I didn't sleep well in the days that followed David's death, and I went to CARE group that Wednesday morning bleary-eyed and barely holding myself together. I knew I just needed to hang on till the end, when our leader wold take prayer requests. Our group time was to be shorter that day, and a couple of the group members got caught up in a debate about a better way to let your light shine to non-Christians. We never got to prayer requests that day. My group leader made some joke about how tired I looked, and I tried to laugh it off. But I was hurt that this group I was supposed to be able to go to for prayer wasn't actually there for me.

On the other hand, one of the most meaningful groups I was in was also at Providence. The other one was my freshmen year in high school. What made these so significant was the leaders I had. Both leaders were amazing, Godly women who were honest, trustworthy, and open. They were women worthy to model my life after. How do I possibly live up to their examples?

D-Groups starts in just under 4 hours. I'm hoping that the girls see me as someone they can respect and trust, and that I can help them grow in their faith in Christ as other women helped me grow in mine. God help me. Work through me in these girls' lives.