Open Heart Surgery

God worked on my heart in several different, but equally meaningful ways today. It was kind of a roller coaster ride.

My birthday is this coming Friday. I'm turning 23. I feel like it's just about ancient, considering where I hoped I would be in my life by now. I didn't think I would be living in my parents' house without any sort of prospect of moving out, whether on my own or into a new family. I'm fighting an inward battle over this because I know it's NOT old, and I can just about convince myself that I'm doing great when I get clobbered in the head by something. Last Monday was a bridal shower for one of my good friends. In fact, come January 3, I'll be standing with 6 other girls watching her promise to love and obey, till death, and all that jazz. I was able to distract myself through most of the shower, even got to entertain myself with someone else's baby for awhile. Then I started talking with one of the older ladies from the church, and my mom joined the conversation. She told me that during her own bridal shower, she turned to this lady that we were speaking with and said, "I just hope that Frank and I will be as happy as you and Bill are." Both the ladies almost started crying as they were remembering that moment, and I almost started crying as well, but for a different reason. I thought, "What if I never get to have one of those moments?" Thankfully the shower was just about over, because I almost lost it right on the spot. Also, my friend, the bride-to-be, was leaving within the next couple days to go back to college, so I could disguise the tears in my eyes as being sad about saying goodbye again. It was a hard moment, and just the perfect example about how the smallest thing can send me reeling, even as much as God has been working in my heart.

This brings me back to today. As I drove up to church this morning I saw a family friend bringing her baby grandson down to the church. I thought, "Yes! Baby!"--I LOVE babies!--and then realized that I'd probably have to fight another girl for the chance to hold him. I realized how this girl was always one step ahead of me when it came to holding church babies. Then I started thinking about how she too, was 23 and single, and how much she loves holding the babies. All of a sudden, the thoughts started coming to me. She loves the babies. I bet she wants babies of her own. She probably wants to get married and have a family as much as I do. She's not one of the girls I think about as much when it comes to, "Well, at least She is single too, I'm not the only one." My girls' small group co-leader is older than me and single, and so I always try to be self-controlled when it comes to complaining around her. And my best friend from college often commiserates with me about being 23 and single. But this one girl at church is one I tend to forget about when it comes to this topic. God suddenly snapped me back into reality and reminded me. I was deeply humbled and prayed on the spot, "God, forgive me. Bring a great guy into her life." Heart-work #1.

After church we had a congregational meeting discussing surveys that we all had been asked to fill out regarding the church and our search for a pastor. We completed these lengthy surveys over the summer, and today two elders spoke about the results that had been seen and the analysis that had been done. They talked about the "missing demographic" of the church: my age group. They also addressed the dilemma of Sunday evening service and the growing disinterest of the congregation. As the elders were speaking, God put some very distinct thoughts on my heart. They continued to run through my mind, and grow and tumble around until I grabbed a pen and jotted down a few notes. There was a brief period at the end of the meeting for comments or questions, and God moved me to voice what I had written down. I was nervous speaking in front of a group of people made up exclusively of people older than me, many who have been in the church for 30+ years. After the meeting, I had several people--some older people of the church, some parents of my friends--who approached me and told me that they appreciated hearing from someone my age, and that they agreed with and were humbled by what I said. Apparently several more people complimented me to my parents as well. I was grateful for their gracious responses, and in turn, I was humbled by them. Heart-work #2.

Then tonight I was driving home after dropping my sister off at a Halloween party. Somehow, once again my mind drifted back to how lonely I was without friends, how much I wanted to not be single anymore, and how I had lost a guy that I thought I was going to marry. I drove home in tears, drowning myself in self-pity, wondering why God was allowing me to be so lonely. When I got home, I had a facebook message from my friend linking to an article she called a "MUST read." I read it and was struck by God's timing. I was particularly convicted by her list of the explanations put forth by "warped theology" about the whys and "Godly" solutions of singleness; for example, ""As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life”—as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment." To have this article sent my way at that particular time could only be explained by God's compassion for me in my hurt. Heart-work #3.

Clearly I'm still a work-in-progress. God keeps working in my heart, and I keep mussing it up again. I'm constantly brought back to a metaphor I read in a book one time: learning the lessons that God is teaching is like washing the dishes. You wash your dishes, and you're done, until you have to wash them again. In the same way, God teaches a lesson, and you learn it, until the next time God needs to teach it to you. At least for me, I don't learn it once and then have it down pat for the next time. I need God to teach it to me again and again. I'm so thankful for God's patience and willingness to continue to work in a stubborn heart like mine. Days like today remind me what a blessing these lessons are, even though they can be difficult to learn.